FOOD MENU

ANATOMY OF A PERFECT BURGER

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PRETZEL BUN! They're made fresh and delivered daily, while that goofy donut guy is still sleepin'. When you bite into it, it bites back. It's not all cakey and sugary, but a nice firm pretzel dough that won't fall apart. And it's toasted. A great burger bun's gotta be toasted so you get a little crunchy texture when you take that first bite.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LETTUCE AND TOMATO! Like hell it is! We add the stuff because it supposedly makes the plate look good and Americans expect it. We're stupid. The lettuce has zero nutritional value and 10 months out of the year the tomato is a flavorless measly slice of genetically altered, chemically enhanced crap. More of it goes in the garbage than winds up in someone's gullet. That's why we only give it to you if you ask for it. Waste not, want not!

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MEAT! We use only 100% USDA prime sirloin beef, grass fed and grain finished, aged under exacting controls for 2 to 3 weeks. Then the boys add just enough fat (about 20%) to make it extra flavorful and juicy and machine form it into perfect 9 oz. patties that are about 3/4" thick. You gotta have a burger that thick to get the right degree of doneness. Poag's burgers are delivered every day, fresh. They are never frozen. You want frozen, go next door.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CHEESE AND THE TOPPINGS! This part's true. And we do what you do at home. We put 2 thick slices of cheese on instead of one. And 2 strips of bacon. Why not. Life's too short to skimp on the good stuff.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE COOKING! First you get a char grill real hot, about 500 degrees. Then you throw a little kosher salt and pepper on both sides of the burger and ya slap her down on the grill. And then... (this part's the secret)... and then you LEAVE THE DAMN THING ALONE! And just turn it once! ONCE! But you won't. You'll mash on it an' flip it and spin it and push 'til yuv ruined it. Ya better let me do it. A burger's a delicate thing ya' know. Ya' gotta treat it right.

Don’t ask me why I’m doin’ this. Most of ya just ask me ‘cause ya think I don’t know. Well I do know. And ‘sides…you can’t duplicate it anyway, ‘cause ya can’t git the meat. And even if ya could, ya’d screw it up someplace else, so ya might as well keep comin’ to me. Kiss my….

Signed. Poag